Sunday, February 19, 2012

Containing Nothing

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sadness
grieving
loss
letting go
letting go
and letting go again...
of all that has been so tightly held
so closely monitored
so badly wanted

into nothing
a box of nothing
nothing in the box

open
empty
vacant

feelings...
exhausted,
depleted,
desolate,
deflated,
dead

must be the perfect place to start
because this is where i am

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Saturday, February 18, 2012

In The Waiting...

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Divine Mother...
You bless this life so,
all that I desire,
You give.

I ask, and I have received
over and over again
until there is little left to want.

I listen
and I listen
to hear
what You ask of me.
I want more than anything
to Know what
You ask of me.

Here, where You have given me
the gift of life...
it is noisy
and static
with millions of opinions about
what You ask...
and I cannot
hear You through
the din.

So, I must withdraw
into the vast silence
into The Waiting
to quiet the buzz and hum
of the outside world
and the franticness
of this small self.

...and In The Waiting...
comes Your beautiful Voice
in the silence of my heart
and the stillness of my mind
where You tender me
deeply
soothing
the mania
calming
the longing
as You whisper
into my heart of hearts...

"Hands off the wheel my
beloved child -
let Me take it from here."

and I weep.


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Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Morning Re-Membering...

 This is my morning meditation today as I re-member myself to God through time spent in the wee hours alone...reminding myself that my mind needs to hum with the song of God as it's non-stop background, in order to stay open and present amidst the whir and blur of daily living. Without this, it is guaranteed that I will not hear the sweet sound of God's love throughout my days...and so, I come to the feet of my God to once again...re-member:


I come without honor in my forgetfulness, and bow at Your lotus feet, my Lord.
Make me to keep ever present in my thoughts, You who have made me - for You alone last with me.

Oh my heart, dwell on the love of the All-Pervading Lord
Who has made me so beautiful from a mere seed.
God, who built me, adorned me, and sheltered me in the fire of the womb;
God, who brought me my mother’s milk in my childhood,
God, who brought me the bloom of youth and delicious foods and immense pleasures;
God, by whose Grace my family and friends will care for me in age,
And feed me in my bed.

This woman, without strength, knows not Thy virtues, O Lord,
Grace me, O Gracious God, that I might be freed.

By Your Grace, I enjoy in peace on this earth,
And revel with my family, friends and husband;
By Your Grace, I drink fresh and cool water,
And breathe the life-giving air and enjoy the precious warmth of fire.
By Your Grace, I enjoy all joys,
And live with all my treasures.

God has given me hands, feet, ears, eyes, tongue:
Why, oh my heart, have I forgotten God, and live instead without?
Such is the ignorance of this wild fool, O Lord.
Pull me out of the mire, into You.

God, You who are the Savior of all from beginning to end:
In my forgetfulness, I love You not.
From Your service, I attain all Treasures,
In my ignorance, I remember You not.
You, whose presence is always with me,
In my blindness, I think You afar.
From Your service, I receive honor in Your court,
In my foolishness, I forsake You.

Forgive me, O Infinite Lord of Mercy!
For I fall into error, over and over again.
I give up the Jewel and hug the trite,
I give up the Truth and hug falsehood,
I believe in the permanence of the impermanent,
I get lost in thought about what the future holds,
I struggle for what is left undone,
I forsake that which is to keep me company,
I wash off the walls the sweet-smelling sandalwood,
And like a donkey roll in the dust.

I am a broken one, and live in the blind darkness of this well,
I beg You to take me out into the Light, O my Lord of Mercy!

I, whose nature is of an animal, the caste of humankind,
I, who go about humbugging to this and that,
I, who wear the coat of the holy, and in my mind, have the dirt of delusion,
I cannot hide my actions howsoever I try.
From without, I bathe, meditate and gather knowledge,
But within me barks the dog of greed and avarice.

I who have fire within, will have ashes without.
How can I swim across with a halter around my neck?
Only when in my mind dwells God Alone,
Only then will I merge into the peace of equipoise.

By hearing alone, how can this blind one find her path?
But, if she holds another’s hand, she reaches safe.
How shall this deaf one hear the soft talk?
She understands ‘day’ when one utters ‘night’.
How can this mute one recite the Song of the Lord?
Even if I try, my voice fails me.
How can a cripple scale a mountain?
No, I cannot go up there in the heights.

O God, my Lord of Mercy, this humble child prays to You,
Save me by Your Grace.

You who is ever with me, You I forget,
And those who are foreign to me, those I love.
I have been living in a castle of sand,
And playing with delusion and reveling,
And believing in the illusion as True.
And, I remember not death.

Gripped by enmity, lust, anger and attachment,
Falsehood, evil, guile and delusion,
I pass through many lives.

I pray to You O my Lord, save me too by Your Grace!
You are the Master, to You I pray, O Lord!
For, this life and body are Your gifts, Your bounties.
You are my Father and my Mother; I am Your child.
In Your Grace lies my whole joy.

No one knows Your limits O my God,
You, the Maker of my destiny, are the highest of the high.
All of Your creation is strung on Your thread:
And, all that You create is in Your command.
You alone know Your end and state:
So, I, as Your child, forever fall into You.

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This is an excerpt from the Sukhmani Sahib (8-4), which is a "shabd" - a song for God - that is found in the Siri Guru Granth Sahib, the holy book and Guru of the Sikh faith. 
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Wednesday, November 26, 2008

The 49th ThanksGiving


ThanksGiving...
Thinking about all that there is to be ThankFull for...
More than I could even begin to fathom, much less find words for...
Life, breath...people, bounty, beauty, opportunity, choice.

What a trip this Life is that You have gifted me.
What a Journey!
A Pathway paved with gold...strewn with rose petals,
Left as breadcrumbs for me to follow,
Should I choose to walk.

So many teachers pass by, 
Turning to smile and wave,
Their warmth Inviting me forward.

So many teachers jump out,
Turning to glare and gloat,
Their frozen egos the same Invitation.

On this, the 49th year You've gifted me,
On the day of GivingThanks,
You will find me as always in Your Temple within,
Silently humming Your Name as I help wash the dishes,
Quietly hearing Your Song in the laughter of the children,
Openly seeing Your Face in the face of my relatives and friends,
Reverently touching Your Body as I hug them hello, and then goodbye,
Sending Your Love through my thoughts to others not close by...

As I reflect, and give Thanks
For this Life,
And this Breath
In this Moment
And the next...

Oh My God
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Thursday, November 13, 2008

Thinking of HOPE

This morning I awoke to the sun filtering through the towering cedars and swirling fog in my backyard cathedral. Grabbing my camera and tea, I headed for the breath-taking beauty that is an autumn morning in the Pacific Northwest. I'll share with you one of the photos I took...

Pacific NW Autumn Morning

Something in the sun shining through one tiny drop of dew as it rolls off the tip of a giant cedar tree...brings me back to an awareness of that Something much greater than myself and my life...that Something which continues to support us all and give us breath...that Something which breathes HOPE back into my heart when it is tired from the minds cranking thoughts.

In our neck of the woods it's been raining for almost two weeks, and many of our neighbors woke up to flooded homes in the night. Today, I pray for each and every one of them...that they are safe and supported, and that they too can hold onto HOPE as the waters of life go rushing by with it's tempestuous swells and crashing waves of experience.

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Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Leaving for Thailand

So, I'm standing in one of those goofy upright kiosks at the airport, credit card ticking off the minutes to pay for this blog post. Walking past security and finally moving through the corridor toward the international gates, I think I have come to realize that I am actually leaving the country today. Sounds like a good thing, considering the political climate...at least it's fun to say that.

Saying goodbye to my daughter and husband today was hard...it's been thirty years since I've travelled out of the country...and this is the first time I go alone. I was surprised at the tears that welled up, as I passed the cloudy white glass partitions between security and the international zone in the airport...remembering the last time I was here, only on the other side with my hand pressed to the glass...so that my eldest daughter Katie could see that I was still in the airport sending her with my love as she left to go back to Thailand after a beautiful one month stay with me in Seattle. I cried to let her go then...,not knowing when I would see her again. I cried today...letting myself go with the kind of freedom that permits one to fly away on mysterious travels and treks, alone.

This is good...it's really good. I have no idea what I will experience. I have no idea how it will change me, but I know it will. I remain open to the God of my being to use this time with me as further ground for growth in Love. I remain open to the great joy and delight in playing with Katie and her husband Travis upon the waters across the globe. I am thrilled that the airlines messed up my flight, so that I get a 24 hour layover in Seoul...where my brother Jorge is living...blessing us both with rare and precious time together.

I'll be back here again soon...with photos, stories, adjectives and sensations I've never had the pleasure to describe in this lifetime. Until then...all this depth of emotion and well of intense excitement walks around this airport terminal with me as I wait the final 30 minutes to board my plane for the first leg of my journey...a twelve and a half hour flight to Seoul. My thoughts and love are with my family...my blessings are upon my workplace while I am gone...my giggles go out to my beloved friends...as my arms prepare to once again embrace my planet of family.

Great peace...

Kaya, I love you and will be singing to you tonight...listen for me with your inside eyes.

Love,
Mama - Laurie

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Happy BirthDay!


Today is my 49th BirthDay...

I call it my 7 times 7. This is an auspicious BirthDay for me...a time to review and renew. Most folks look at the big-oh's (30,40,50...) as turning points. For me, they go in 7 year stints. So, as I prepare to move forward...I also look back. These are some of the sevens of this life:

7 times 1 BirthDay: 7 years old...

Happy go lucky, living in our country "cliff house" on the bluffs of the Platte River in Fremont, Nebraska. I was naive, innocent, and oblivious to anything other than joy. I especially loved playing with my sister and brother. My main big loves were nature, animals and God. Happy, happy, joy, joy childhood with mommy and daddy at my side.

7 times 2 BirthDay: 14 years old...

Entering 9th grade, very shy, interior girl. I found school in the big city of Fremont, completely overwhelming in junior high, and was the extreme of "out of it" in terms of fashion or knowing how to fit in. By the age of 14, I had kind of figured it out and my best friend Jill had encouraged me to try out for a spot on the cheerleading team. Much to my surprise, I was chosen. This single thing helped me in finally feeling like I "fit in" somehow with the city kids.

7 times 3 BirthDay: 21 years old...

On my 21st BirthDay, I was three weeks away from giving birth to my first child. I had come through high school, the Miss America Pageant, and singing with Bob Hope by that time, and met my first daughter's daddy in my first year of college. While my parents were trying to help me further my career in show biz, I was dreaming of babies...and so off I went into parenthood.

7 times 4 BirthDay: 28 years old...

Two little girls graced my life by this time: the eldest was now 7, and my little one was by this time 4. These little girls were the joy and light of my life.

7 times 5 BirthDay: 35 years old...

My son was four years old, my daughters were 14 and 11, and I had two stepsons ages 2 and 6 as well by the time I hit my 35th BirthDay. Life was very full of joy and noise. I was living on an enchanted acreage on the side of a mountain.

7 times 6 BirthDay: 42 years old...

Retired from television, I had another baby girl who was 4. My sons were 9, 11, and 13 and my daughters were 21 and 18. We had gone through the heights of financial success, to the lows of sitting in front of a bancruptcy attorney wondering if we would need to file (we didn't). Life was active, full, busy. I had completed my bachelors degree online while homeschooling my kids by this time. Whew!

7 times 7 BirthDay: 49 years old...

My great loves at this time are...God, my family, Nature, and serving others. My children are all out of the house, but the last. Life is quieter, but not slower. I find great desire to simplify and slow down. I find great desire to spend the time I have here in surrounding myself with all that represents God to me, including others who walk the same path, work that represents this in all aspects, and in serving others through a means of integrity and wholeness. I work to create this in my life.

And, projecting into the future...

7 times 10...I pray that this will find me in the best of health and strength, using my heart, hands and head to serve others through my work and my presence in their lives. I pray that my 7 times life continues in health and strength, with the ability and capacity to serve others to at least my 7 times 14 BirthDay...91. At that point, I might retire and spend the last 7 years of this life simply sitting on the front porch in my rocking chair, laying on the grass watching the clouds go by, doing my yoga and sitting in meditation with God, standing in the rain feeling the tears of God fall upon my face, and being with family as I listen to the joy and laughter of great-grandchildren.

On my 7 times 15 BirthDay when I am 105, the year will be 2064. My first grandchild will be 49 years old. My eldest child will be 84 and my youngest will be 67. I pray to gather them all to my side, hold a celebration and InJoy the cumulation of a life well lived in Love and in Service...laugh our butts off at all the foibles and fallibility of being human, give great Thanks for all the lessons learned along the way...and let them all know that I will always, all ways be with them in every moment of every day, Loving them dearly and wrapping them with clouds and angel wings. And then, I'll be ready to go to God and rest in angel wings myself...and talk with God about all that I did while here, and what I've learned from choices I made...and whatever else me and God decide to talk about over tea in heaven.

Happy BirthDay to Me!

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